Underachiever

Soak it all friends, this guy seems like a gem. 

Especially since he is wearing socks on the beach while holding a surfboard. Black Socks. And a Pony Tail. 

To succeed in life you need two things: Ignorance & Confidence. 

This guys is about to take over the world ladies- who want's to get on board? I'll pass, thank you very much. In the words of Oprah, when you see crazy coming, cross the street. Street crossed.

 

In His Own Words

I am the guy that you want to be with. The one that books a flight by tossing a dart at a map. The one that has accomplished every goal that you can imagine. I wrote a novel at the age of 21, won 3 emmys as a sportscaster, magician of the year recognized by the society of american magicians, survived Hurricane Katrina, moved to LA for the sole explanation, "why not," would walk into a 5 star restaurant in sweats to have some Kobe bc I can. Simply put, I am THAT guy you want to be with but may not be able to keep up with. SO my favorite part of this is what do I do? based on that intro haha. I am a professional poker player(insert your red flags here). I am a mathematical wiz and I have had a lot of success. Before you judge just know that my profession has paid for my condo, allows me to stay and dine where ever I want and travel more then most in a lifetime. If your looking for a guy in a 3 piece suit, I have those too and while my lifestyle maybe nontraditional its a lot more exciting then some lush grinding his way 9-5 living for the weekend. I could have been the doctor lawyer business guy whatever, but I make just as much as they do and work way less then they do. A lot of my friends are in those fields and when we go to any function I am the guy everyone wants to talk to. Give me 5 min and you will ask for 5 hours but for God Sakes be honest, I know when your lying its what I do and if you want a guy that can read your mind thats me LAST THING PLEASE READ..I am not an arrogant guy, just confident and accomplished, I will open the door, sit through a girlie movie, or surprise you with flowers. I am one of the good guys that considers himself a gentleman and a scholar.

Life Lesson.

If you act like an ass, don't expect to get any.
You are welcome.

Killer: not the image you should try to convey

 

"Obviously, I have been looking for love in all the wrong places. Is this the right place? Are you funny? can you take a joke? do you know when to shed your opinion? do you know when to keep it to yourself? Life is the divine comedy, and I laugh at the Human race a lot! Do you? I am proud to be 37 and not married, divorced or have any children yet. I look for the good in everyone. I hope my partner can do the same. If I do something nice for my partner, I would love to feel reciprocated. I hope to attract a witty self sustaining, independent lover who is passionate in everything she does. Hopefully can understand my broad range and warped sense of humor. a realist with no pie in the sky or pipe dreams that may never be a reality. you better make me laugh as much as I do to you."

This is what I gather from your profile: you might kill me. 

That is all. Thanks.

Couldn't make this up if I tried

<insert his name, its a gem stone by the way>skywalker :

About him & Who he's looking for

We are the soldiers of the awakening
Our message is light and sound
We have no master, we follow no leader
Yet we are all at the head of our cause
Our mission is ascension from misery
Our promise is enlightenment
Our past is timeless, our future is present
We are keepers of evernow
We demand nothing, for we need nothing
We abhor violence, detest ignorance,
Advise radiance, enable convergence,
We think without brains, speak without tongues,
Move without bodies, and love without hearts
We are spirit without boundary
Light without fear
Sight without perception
Truth beyond doubt
We are pitch, volume, sparkle & brilliance,
Shining melody, harmonious vision
Attainment, atonement, attunement, our testaments
Unity in diversity
The reflecting pool of eternity
Infinite fraternity

This is his email to me: 
We are the soldiers of the awakening Our message is light and sound We have no master, we follow no leader Yet we are all at the head of our cause Our mission is ascension from misery Our promise... hello there pretty lady.
This kind of shit gives me a sludgy, unreal feeling, as though I was watching soap operas on a beautiful day. A total waste. Sweet emotion, this if this is what's out there, someone find me a covenant. Stat.

P.S. he had highlights in his photo and was looking off to the left in with a very contemplative expression- also slightly resembled Fabio. 

The Unfortunate Disadvantage of Being a Girl- High School Comes Back to Haunt Us

Ah ya ya ya. Sometimes you males baffle the shit outta me. As my best friend recently said, "You have the unfortunate disadvantage of being a girl." He is correct...  I am not a 19 year old insecure, needy, anorexic head case... and apparently that is where my disadvantage lies.

Pushiness is not sexy, and I have not been sitting around just waiting for an opportunity to be useful to someone like you. Take what you’re offered, emotionally and sexually, like a good sport, and there’s probably more where that came from. Really, there is.

Most men seem to be under the mistaken impression that I am concerned about whether they think I am awesome. I can’t really blame them for this, because some of them are operating on old data they gathered in high school, when girls were insecure messes so desperate for validation that they probably would have gone to the prom with a middle-aged gangland pimp if it meant that someone would ring their doorbell at six and tell them they were pretty. No exceptions made here (except I didn't go to prom, seriously I didn't. My sister on the other hand had like 12 guys ask her. And I am still the single one, shocker.) Wake up and smell the dried corsages, boys: that was a pretty long time ago. These days, gals, or at least any gals you should want to date, already like themselves just fine, so they aren’t bound to fall all over themselves with excitement when you offer them some lukewarm and slightly condescending compliment, such as, “Hey, you’re kind of funny/smart/cute.”

At any rate, let me enlighten you: If you are the instigator, if you are the one doing the pursuing, they aren’t worried about what you think of them. They are worried about what they think of YOU, this near-stranger who has stepped onto their radar and is now blocking their path to the bar. So don’t be surprised if we don’t melt into your arms the moment you flash us a dimple and ask us out as if you’re doing us a giant favor. Uh, who are you, again? And why do you merit the application of a flat-iron and the dragging out of the decent panties? It’s incredible how often guys expect me to feel excited that a guy, ANY guy, wants to text me at 1am and see if I want to meet up for a drink (yes, seriously), whether I know anything about him or not. Not only was I doing just fine without you, but you are standing between me and my bottle of vino, and if you knew me better, you would realize the extent to which your life was in danger based on that fact alone. So the next time you offer me a compliment, try to sound sincere, not condescending. Better yet, do or say something interesting enough that I’m now the impressed one. Now that will get my attention. Also, let's avoid the midnight-3am texts asking me what I am up to. I’ve got a hot date with a book and a bottle of vino tonight.

If you were wondering how the better half lives … well, now you know.

Kind-hearted Delusion Disolved

Should you ever become misinformed and start perceiving yourself as a kind-hearted individual who feels that all human beings have inherent worth, rest assured that you can always correct this delusion simply by doing some online dating. I suppose real life dating would do the same.

The unfortunate truth, as you will surely discover, is that you secretly think you are better than almost everyone, and that you are so convinced of your own awesomeness that you will probably be forced to die alone, wearing a smug and superior expression that will hopefully remain more or less intact despite spending the remainder of your days alone with your eleven cats.

I hate name droppers, living in the mecca of celebrity doesn't help. Here is one person I for sure think I am more awesome than- he is a world class name dropper- and also an American Actor- whatever that means. Gotta go feed the cats...

I'm an American Actor, Producer, and Real Estate Entrepreneur. My two biggest accomplishments are I'm a self-made millionaire at 26 and I produced a sitcom that NBC may be developing for the fall. I play one of the lead characters. I'd love to meet a positive, creative, and expressive girl with a deep heart and open mind who is infinitely curious and lives with passion. Two of my favorite thrills are inspiring people and making them laugh. I love adventure and I'm passionate about acting. Acting has given me a means to always grow, discover, take risks, and connect with people. It's because performing art moves us to experience our lives and relationships in a richer, deeper way that I always want to live for it. I left college at the age of 20 to pursue real estate and acting. It wasn't until 23 that I became a Real Estate broker and started my own company. Meanwhile I kept acting. I flipped my 1st property at 24. Meanwhile I kept acting. I began mentoring real estate investors on how to get their deals under contract, funded, and flipped at 25. Meanwhile I kept acting. At 26 I became a self-made millionaire and gave life to XX  Entertainment with my fellow actors. I have been inspired by many authors, teachers, actors, and public speakers. So in the meanwhile follow your dreams, stay inspired, and live with passion

He emailed- here is the boring banter that ensued::

he said:: I love a girl with passion.... Bacon and beets? you must be interesting.... Or a comedian.

she said:: No comedian... Just a plain ol girl who really likes beets... And bacon. But I am passionate about them both. Well, passionate about cooking in general. How's life in Santa Monica? Hope your weekend is a splendid one

he said:: Oh It's pretty rough here ;) do you ever come up here? It's been a funny night... just met with Owen Wilson at the viceroy here. What are you up to? 

she said:: I do make it up to Santa Monica every once in a while, but I commute a ton for work so when the weekends roll around I keep my truck parked and stick around the South Bay. Low key is much more my scene. How was the rest of your weekend?

he said:: It was =0) (HOLY SHIT, that puts the :-) to SHAME) an extraordinary weekend. No exaggeration. I could tell you, but i think you'd appreciate my enthusiasm more in person if you heard it. Maybe we could get together soon for a glass of wine by the firepit here and head out to the promenade for dinner and a movie.... or maybe there's something you've been wanting to do here in Santa Monica? My house is on the hill across the street from the Santa Monica Airport so it's cool to see the planes land and take off with the ocean in the background sitting next to the fire. I'm not sure when we could, but if you're up for it we should try.

he said:: I'm looking for a sushi and sake partner tonight... You wanna go? Ry

she said:: ah, I'm not very good at checking this thing, so I suppose my answer was no...
hope you found a lovely lady to take you up on your offer though. also, out of curiosity, does the name drop thing work for you?

It's AND not AN, also this (.) is called a period. Use it.

I got this email an morning from a gentleman suitor: 

"hello sexy how u doin oh by the waY u have some sexy eyes"

(File that email under obvious foreshadowing as to what his profile could possibly say)

You know I couldn't pass up persuing his profile after an introduction like that, I mean he thinks I HAVE SEXY EYES!! Here is what he had to say::

hello ladys ima real an down to earth guy an i dont play games an i keep it 100 so please do the same

well i like to start an say im a strong an indenpent guy i like long walks on the beach im a romance guy i like to run my lady bubble baths an stuff like that well im looking for someone thats real an down to earth an dont play games i love someone thats have something going for they self i love traveling all types of places i love long terms relationships im a goood guy unless u want to see my bad side lol i have a gooofy side to i love to have fun i work an im an real dude so if u like what u hear or see dont be scared i dont bit an hit me back i love sports ETC.............................

Guest Blogger- The Art of Whole Foods

This is from my sexy friend who loves beer and gaga....

Should I wear the red skirt and white blouse or go with the “I’m not really trying” jeans look? Maybe I will just stick with the crowd pleaser and popular choice of my black “make my butt look juicy” yoga pants matched with a cute t-shirt that could probably fit a 5 year old girl.  The painted on pants win...lets just be honest here, they are always a winner.

Back to my thought, you may think these are clothing options floating through the minds of thousands of women specifically getting ready for a much anticipated date.

Wrong.

Like a carousel collection of clothing labeled “this makes me look hot”, women are carefully making these choices not just for themselves but for the men at MMM. Thats short for the place I call : The Mecca of Marriage Material. This place also goes by its government name: Whole Foods. Yes, that store with the overly nice food stockers and endless choices of deli meats. Its not just a  place where you over spend on some organic vegetable but a place where, if you are looking for what most women like “a tall man, fit, athletic, with maybe some dimples”  this is the spot.

MMM is so consistently filled with hot men that I’m starting to think I need an invent an app for my single friends. An app that can locate the hottest ones zoning in on them based on which aisle they are walking down. “Cute toned surfer boy, Aisle 5” Aisle 5, the gluten free aisle. Obviously he’s there. By the way, I don’t get how people eat that gluten free stuff , its like eating an ice cream cone without the ice cream. You are missing the good stuff.

Here’s the twist. I’m already taken. I have a fiance but if I could re-do my bachelorette days in an effort to save money,  along with my gang of single friends, I would pop a bottle of wine and station ourselves right  near the meat counter... grazing like a pack of zebras. We could even score dinner there! Fat free of course.  If that guy Michael Vartan (the poor mans version of Ben Affleck actor that ironically dated Jennifer Garner and acts in the show Hawthorne) can meet his now wife while searching for green apples, what makes you think you can’t find your dream guy there. Look for yourself!

Moral of the story: Don’t judge those girls that are maybe wearing a little too much mascara or high heels while trying to pick out 8.99 a pound pre-made pasta. Maybe she doesn’t really like to eat healthy after all, in fact she probably hates spending $150 on 4 items... maybe she’s there to meet Mr. Perfect.

Online Dating = Purgatory

I find myself in this odd purgatory, much like a goldfish having to assimilate to a new aquarium by spending time in the safety of a plastic bag from the pet store.

That pretty much sums up online dating to me. Make sense? Allow me to elaborate...

I'm not much of a dater. As one of my best friends recently said: "Your game is that you have no game." True statement. I have no game... If you text me chances are 99% sure that I will text you back within a minute or two... If you call me, I will call you back as soon as I can... If I think you are handsome or cute I will tell you, probably on the first date. I am not good at playing hard to get. If I dig you I dig you, there will be no chase.

According to many of my friends this is my downfall. BUT, here is what I think... If you are in search of a girl that will play games with your head and your heart, I am simply not that girl. So better to move on and go find yourself another kind of crazy, cause this crazy don't mess around.

Where the hell am I going with this? Answer: I forgot.

I have seriously lost my train of thought here folks.

Moral of the story- I feel like a goldfish in a plastic bag, trying to find the right aquarium that won't suffocate the life outta me. One that might have one of those fancy treasure chests and some turquoise stones on the bottom. But what if the right aquarium isn't an aquarium at all- its just a simple lil bowl with brown pebbles on the bottom. Maybe that could work too. Sigh.

You are welcome for this very perplexing post. I am not even going to go back and edit it- talk about a stream of consciousness. I'm sorry and you're welcome and I love you. :)

Over-analysis. Just one of the many services I provide.

You people Google some crazy ass shit to get here

I just looked at my Google Analytics Page- and you people have gotten to this blog by searching some crazy ass words... here is just a few from this month. -match.com full contact origami (this is tied for my favorite- what the hell is full contact origami? sign me up) -creeps on match.com

-match.com experience blog

-match.com heading for shy person

-match.com vip email

-should join match.com?

-what does it mean when you receive a vip email on match

-blow j on match.com date (I sort of love this one)

-do women initiate conversations on match.com -how to start a conversation on match.com?

And my personal favorite- how the hell you fit all of this in the search box is beyond me, but well done and happy you landed here my friend:  -hi i am kinda shy but i must tell u you look awesome.and i would so love to get to know more about you if you don't mind, i am david and i work for a construction company and am 35 years old, i love beach walk. and fun loving also but hardly get time for it lol.... hope to read from you soon.

Regardless how you got here, thanks for being one of the 30,000 people that searched for us, stumbled upon us, were referred to us, or just plain found us over the past few months. Whether you were here for 2.2 seconds, or you spent the afternoon reading every post- we hope you get a good laugh somewhere and maybe, just maybe, glean a bit of advice from these two crazy birds that continue to search for love in all the wrong places... but maybe a right place or two as well.

Damn, I think I am disqualified + Update

We're baaaaack! Did you miss us? We missed you!

So here is an update on the love life of these twins... One sister is practically hitched. No, not a guy she met on Match, although he was on the site as well but they apparently just never stumbled upon each other. He is quite rad and I for one hope they live happily ever after to take the grandchild pressure off of me. So that leaves me, the one that has written 99% of the content on here... still single. Real life. This is mine. Welcome to it.

This guys was "singled out" for me on Match yesterday- I think that means Match thinks we woud be a perfect match. I would have to disagree...

In His Own Words

...............UPDATE.........

...New Disqualifications. Ladies please no hate mail. grow up!!! I am not angry or jaded I just know what I want and don't want. FYI that's a good quality for a MAN to have. Ladies please no WINKS. If interested emails only please...... And please read the profile it's part truth and part humor. Some disqualification for dating me. 1. When you leave your house you get mistaken for a p#*stitute. Sorry you're not my type. 2. If 9 out of 10 profile pics of you are drinking. Sorry no drunks wanted here. 3. If you think the gym is your coworkers name. Come on ladies at least try and take care or your health.(no muffin tops) I don't need Miss fit USA just take care of yourself 4. If you want to act single. Then just stay single. 5. If your best friend is a guy. Go date him thats what he wants. 6. If you are late for our first date don't even bother. Go waste someone else's time. 7. Know the current President & vice President & previous Pres & vice Pres (don't laugh I have met A LOT of women that had no clue on EITHER!) 8. If you're looking for pen pals move on to the next. If we met in line at the store would you ask to email back and forth or would you just talk on the phone. A couple emails max then talk if we click lets meet. Well I have just P'D off 95% of the women on this site. Honestly thats fine I'm looking for that 5% I want the minority not the majority. If you have not hit the back button yet please keep reading. I'm a great man and will make you smile everyday and let you know how special, cared for and appreciated you are. Now here's a little about me. Myself I am driven, hard working and dedicated. I want a relationship not dating. I am the guy that opens your door(always) I like to hold your hand touch and kiss you all the time. I like to spend time with my lady and let her know she is appreciated. I don't want games, drama or insecurity. I am loyal, faithful and trustworthy. I tell it like it is. As for my lady I want you to understand what it means to be with a man and not these LA boys. You should be grown and if you have to ask what that means you are not. No drama, lies or games. I cant believe how hard it is to find a real woman out here. I hope that there is one reading this. A big plus if you are Chaldean,Lebanese, Italian, Greek or a ethnic woman midwest or east coast woman. I am a Detroit man not a Cali boy. If you like the pics and you are a real woman and are looking for a real man I hope to hear from you.

New Match Spokesperson, of the unpaid variety

I talk about Match.
A lot.

I am not ashamed to be on it like a lot of people are. 

I think it is a great thing and when I hear chicks or guys complain about being single or the dating scene my first response is that they should join Match.com. Seriously. I should get a cut of their profit from all the referrals I have given them.

Now, I recommend this avenue not because I think someone will find their soul mate on here. (Although my cousin got married a few weeks ago to a guy she met on there. Guaranteed everyone knows someone that has been married after meeting on one internet dating site or another. That's just plain statistics though.)

Do I think I will meet the love of my life in Match? Hell no.

Then why am I on it, and why do I suggest it with such enthusiasm?

Several reason...

1) I think its a huge confidence booster. Certainly there are creeps on there, this blog wouldn't exist without them. But in general there are some pretty cool guys/girls out there that are genuine in trying to find someone they click with- be that friendship or love. It's pretty cool getting hit on everyday, sometimes 10 times a day. Who wouldn't enjoy that?

2) It gets you over that "hump". I have a few friends who are freshly out of relationship and just need that extra little nudge to be able to move on. This is a relatively easy way to do that. Go out on a few dates, realize people are still attracted to you, and get the hell over it.

3) It opens you up to other opportunities. Sometimes you just get in a rut, I certainly was. Match gets you out of the funk and back into the dating world. Which can just be plain intimidating. It was for me; I am shy as hell. But going on all these dates (ha, I've been on 5 or so, not that many) has made me realize I can pretty much talk to a wall if need be. I always thought I was a terrible first impression but now I think I don't totally suck that bad. Every one of the guys asked me out again, so I suppose that means I wasn't a complete head case. Maybe. Regardless, in the time I have been on Match I have also met a few other really cool people outside of the site that I probably would not have been open to meeting had I not been in the "dating zone."

4) It is just plain entertaining. Case in point- this blog. You just can't take it too seriously. If you look at it like part of your dating life, not all of it, then you will sail through and have a great time. Meet a few cool people and after meeting one of them for drinks- meet up with some of your other friends since you are already out and about and maybe just maybe meet the mate of your dreams. Who knows, but at the very least give it a shot, what do you have to lose? And everyone could use a good laugh or two, Match.com does not disappoint on that!

The question I get asked a lot is am I serious about finding true love? Absolutely.
Do I think you can actually FIND true love? Eh, not really. 
I do think you have to be in the right place in your life and with the right frame of mind in order to even be open to it, and to realize if you have it standing right in front of you.
I know I am there without a doubt.
I know I will be a wonderful wife, mother, sister-in-law, and member of a new family when the time comes... I say those last two because I think it is so important to be able to find someone you love, and love their family as well be loved by their family.
I am in no rush though, just enjoying the ride in the meantime! 

Ok, enough serious stuff... I'll try to hunt down a good story for you all in the near future, stay tuned...

My First Angry Customer

This blog has sort of taken on a life of it's own. What started as a way for me to entertain a few close friends with my stories from the dating front lines has evolved into quite the extended community. You people are hard up for some dating drama/entertainment apparently! At my expense, but I am happy to oblige.

I did get my first hate mail last week though. Sort of awesome. And since I enjoy entertaining you all, here it is for your viewing pleasure. I am sure this will instigate further hate mail, but what the hell. Things have been slow on the dating front so perhaps this will keep you all happy for a little while longer while I sit patiently on the side lines awaiting Mr. Right. Until then...

Hater:  funny blog..  whats your screen name on match?

Twins:  anonymous is the key here friend! 

Hater: not a member of match,  i just wanna see your pics and what your profile says.

Twins:  mmmm, nope. 

Hater: jeez fucking louise is it that big a deal to tell your screen name on match, i mean you do have a profile on there for the whole world to see..      Well at least send some pics and ill send some of me

Twins: It's because I write anonymously genius. I don't want people to know who the person is that is writing all this shit. Also, I care less what you look like so don't hold your breathe on the photos. 

Hater: yea, ive read your blog.  And i must say,  its American female cuntrags like you that are the reason 10's of thousands of Eligible single American men are traveling overseas to find wives..  Why?  Well thanks for asking:  because you (American women) SUCK...   Google "American women suck" and you'll find dozens of websites, blogs, forums, etc. where you'll see what im talking about..     But i have a question..  Why is every guy considered a "creepy, douchebag, loser, phycho, stalker", etc. etc.  ??  Thats the typical mindset of the average Americunt nowadays, that all men are sex-crazed rapists..   Welcome to a fucked up corrupt American society

Twins: bitter? listen dude, and I can not believe I am wasting my time writing back to someone who uses the word Americunt, but I write about the idiots out there, such as yourself, as that is what is funny. I have dated a bunch of guys that I don't write about because they are normal and nice and charming- but that doesn't make for a funny read now does it. Appears you have a chip on your shoulder, would you like to share why? I find it interesting that you freaked out just because I did not want to show you my match profile or send photos. I'm not in the habit of sending complete strangers photos and I think most women would agree. Now, if you actually took the time to strike up a conversation (remember you contacted me not the other way around) perhaps it would lead to that. But no, you showed your true colors right off the bat- no wonder you have a bad taste in your mouth- long live the Americunts if that means there are more chicks like me who call it like they see it and dont put up with assholes. travel overseas and find your bride, just don't reproduce as we don't need more of your kind in the world. Insert Happy Face Here.  

That's the last I heard of my #1 fan. How unfortunate, things were just starting to get good too. 

Umm. ya.

x

Your message has been sent to amix741.

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I could not make this up if I tried. This is what his headline reads:

To tell you the truth, I like being by myself.

About him & Who he's looking for

You may find me undatable. It's okay, my subscription ends in 6 months and I am just filling blank spaces. I don't think this really work with people like me. I am not like any other profiles you see. Not in a weird way but in a way how Americans are idealized. I am difinitely shy at first and later too. Quiet, and keep to myself. I don't have too many friends. I only like genuine people. Not into outdoor activities but I do appreciate the nature and its beauty. If you like kayaking, diving, and backpacking, I may just lay on the beach and watch you or go fishing on a lake. I do like to do things out like eating out, shopping, going to theaters, walking my dog, etc. I like staying at home to clean, cook, and watch TV too. Not a socializer - I find myself being a statue at parties. People do find me boring. lol. No buddies football or basketball although I love one type of sport. I hate Super Bowl.

You probably won't find more independnt person than me. From where I came from, I was a rebel and I didn't fit into that society but I proved them wrong as I now have a quite compfortable living. I am loyal and dedicated. I treat people with respect. Laid back most of the time but very much into my work. I do have a lot of flexible time and I use it to travel sometimes. I've lived in 4 different countries and been to many places. Not into exotic destinations.

My ideal date is genuine, dedicated, and honest.. I get drawn to how honest people write about themselves. I tend to like women who are focused, not self-centered, independent, laid back and understanding. For a date, I'd like to take it slow and do things we like and we have not done. I grew up in cities and away from my family since young so I am not used to big families. But whenever I meet someone's family, I get accepted quite easily.

Oh by the way, that photo is not me. Ha ha. I am not caucasian or black either. Just keep it a mystery.

Guest Blogger

Yes, we have been a bit weak lately in the posting department. Damn jobs really get in the way of witty dating commentary. In the mean time, we have a special treat for you... a guest blogger! FUN! Please welcome Chris to the main stage- some pretty funny shit here::

 #1

I'm Steve. You were my singled out match for today. I'm a construction manager for a multinational environmental corporation (Weston Solutions, Inc.) I have been with them for 18+ years. I'm divorced with 3 teen kids. Most of my work is in the Tri-state area, though I do get occasional distant assignments (Edmonton, Hawaii, Texas, Louisiana, etc.). Like you, I'm not looking for an F-buddy. I want a serious relationship and I'm in it for love. From the tone of your profile I get the impression that our personalities would clash. I am easy going and independent, but I definitely do not like to be told what to do. For me love is a mutual endeavor where each partner contributes to the overall success of the relationship. Both filling in the other's weaknesses and relying on the other's strengths. I live in Haddam and have an office in Glastonbury. I typically manage things directly on jobsites using my interpersonal skills to build relationships with supervisors, subordinates and associates to solve complex operational and logistical problems. I'm very much into the outdoors pursuing almost every type of fish and game throughout the year. This is very relaxing and rewarding for me and removes all but the most difficult stress from my life. I'm looking for 1 partner and lover.

So what am I? a dating prospect or a job he's applying for a job, I was confused, help me out here.

#2
Next is a slight chuckle for you......Well first allow me to explain, I am working on my MBA. Now I can't spell to save my ass (thank god for spell check) but WTF is this?????? There is nothing I can't stand more than dealing with a idiot. Needless to say I emailed him back trying to be nice (why I have no clue) and maybe give him the benefit of the doubt that he was in a hurry. (cuz it can happen)

Hello

I enjoyed reafing about you. I would like to know mare and if u feel the same let me know

So trying to be nice I response with:

Hi,

Feel free, but I am going to be honest. I don't plan on sticking around in central CT because I do not have a good paying job. I plan on moving (down to southwestern CT for work) for one and for two I getting really sick of this site and plan on canceling my membership soon. But feel free, I'm open for just about anything.

Thanks for understanding,

Chris

He replies:
call me xxx-xxx-xxxx right off the bat, WHAT???
I come back with......in hopes of him going away,  and far away for that matter.

I don't call at first I like to sick to emails.......Another thing, how about a name? What else do you do for work? I know to teach kickboxing. Also, what your is your college degree in?????

Thanks (notice I didn't put my name down-A and B- he has no college degree, Gee big surprise)
He response, Oh I failed to mention, by the second email he sends the email not once but twice....yes ladies, twice I need to of them. (Are you fucking kidding me?)
my name is Dave and i did some college never finished i have my electrical license. i (yeah I don't know what happened there, looks like he was trying to type more but hit the mouse so it sent. I guess, not once but twice because I can't live without him or something, I don't know, not sure)
Oh wait!!!!!!!here's the second part
i am a technical trainer for Ui i train lineman how to do there job. my i have your # so i can call u  (UI is an electric co. not that you two care, but just in case you questioned it)
So now he asked for my number, so I did not response hoping that he would have taken the hint on the I don't call email.....etc.
Next day I get:
can i have ur # so i can call u  Yes and once again, I get not once but twice......STALKER can you imagined if he had my #. I want to stab the asshole in the neck with a pen.
Needless to say I responded with NO and nothing else.


Ah klassie. See what I did there? Spelling people, let's use what god gave us and get our spell check on.Thanks for the email Chris- and good luck on the hunt. Like we said before, dating is a blood sport & there are no medals involved.

4 dates, 4 nights, 1 destination

A few weeks ago I had four Match.com dates. I scheduled them back to back: Thursday through Sunday.
I had been postponing them for awhile because, well, I am a pansy.
I am shy, I don't make a very good first impression, and the #1 reason is that my free time is precious and the thought of wasting an evening with a douche makes me sigh.

But, what's the point of Match if you don't take it to the next level?? You can only play the witty banter game so long before you have to meet face to face to see what each other REALLY looks like and see if there is a "spark". After all, you can be anyone you want to be via words. 

I got lucky in the looks department, everyone basically resembled their photos quite well. No elderly men surprises.
I had each of the guys meet me at the same bar, four nights in a row. Because clearly appearing at the same bar 4 nights in a row with 4 different guys is the height of fine dating.
Win.
But it's a place close to my house, roof top, and good drinks. So why not. The waitress and I bonded too, so now maybe I will get free drinks when I bring in my real friends.
Win again.

Anyways- here is the recap::

Thursday: This guy was by far the winner in the group. Not only did he look like his pictures, but he was HOT. Sweet! Good conversation, great outlook on life, he laughed at my jokes (bonus points), etc. Not much to say about this one as he had no glaring creep alerts to him- he and I will be going out again for sure. We have chatted a few times and once we can get our schedules aligned- its on like a fat kid on a doughnut. Or me on a doughnut, I do love me a doughnut.
Friday: This guy was nice. Which is a nice way of saying I wasn't interested. He was 30 minutes late. I am not a patient gal, so that just plain sucked. Luckily I had my wine to keep me company. All in all he was just underwhelming. I had a girlfriend coming to meet me out later and she ended up meeting us there and I think he got the hint. Nice guy, but just didn't float my boat. Oh! And he said he was 6 feet tall. Not true. Why do guys round up a few inches. It's pretty obvious when I myself am approaching 6 feet tall when you stand next to me and you are shorter. Not that I am on the hunt for the jolly green giant, but let's call em like we see em guys.
Saturday: This guy drove quite a ways to see me, not as far as the guy from Sunday, but far enough. I commute a shit load during the week and the thought of driving even further to go on a date or see my boyfriend makes me cringe. I am very upfront about this too when I am contacted by guys from a distance away- they will have to do the driving. Anyways, he was cool. He recently was ditched by his fiancee of 4 years about 2 months before their wedding. Wounded soldier is an understatement. Next.
Sunday: This guy had to drive over an hour to get to my part of the woods. He was super excited, which was fun. But he kept talking about "when we get married" and that he told his brother he thinks he may have met the one. Red Flag. I mean, its nice and flattering, but ummm. Ya. Red Flag.

So that's my Match dating thus far. From the horror stories I have heard from other people I feel I got off easy. Perhaps I have just jinxed myself now. Heading out on a few more in the coming weeks, so stay tuned...

Do you have some good Match.com stories to share? Send them our way- we will be featuring a guest blog section next month! twinmatch@gmail.com

Creep comes out of hiding

 Sorry for my lack of posting lately. I gotta be honest, I was short on material for a few weeks. Good news is I refreshed my photo and have a whole new set of creeps interested. Well, I suppose that's good news for the blog, not good news for my love life. See below. Love, WonderWoman.

8:50 - he says:
Wonder Woman

 8:50 -he says:
Hi

 8:50 - he says:
How are you

 8:50 -me says:
wonder woman?

 8:50 - me says:
why wonder woman?

 8:51 - he says:
A high compliment. You're smart (or so I presume), real (a necessity) and beautiful. Hence Wonder Woman. I'll have to Google her powers

 8:53 - me says:
ha

 8:53 - me says:
perhaps I'm not real

 8:53 - me says:
I could be 300 pounds and collect cats

 8:53 - me says:
I'm not, but ya never know

 8:55 - he says:
She has powers, yes?

 8:55 - me says:
I know nothing about wonder woman's powers

 8:56 - he says:
I just Googled them. In a word: impressive

 8:58 - he says:
Apparently, she has a magic lasso

 9:00 - hesays:
the big question: are you up for superb wooing

 9:02 - me says:
haha

 9:02 - me says:
i could use a magic lasso, sign me up

 9:02 - me says:
superb wooing? who wouldn't be!?

 9:03 - he says:
According to Wikipedia: "Any man bound by the magic lasso must obey and tell the truth." As for superb wooing: great conversation, banter, exploring, intellectual fun, epicurean delights, spontaneity, spa days and playful wrestling

 9:05 - me says:
ha

 9:05 - me says:
you have this well rehearsed

 9:05 - he says:
up for the challenge?

 9:06 - me says:
stranger things have happened

 9:07 - he says:
you'll be treated like a goddess

 9:10 - me says:
how come it says your profile is unavailable?

 9:10 - me says:
are you a murderer?

 9:11 - he says:
was editing it. NO! Do you have an email address I can send a pic to

 9:14 - me says:
ummmmm no

 9:15 - he says:
nice jewish boy

 9:20 - me says:
thats what they all say

 9:21 - he says:
don't worry: i'll let you win at playful wrestling

 9:21 - me says:
oh geez

 9:26 - he says:
ok. I'll put up a fight

 9:29 - me says:
does this actually work for you?

 9:30 - he says:
you mean tyring to convince you to wear a super hero costume and tie me up?

 9:33 - me says:
right.

  9:34 - he says:
  but think of the upside: laughter and pampering

   9:35 - me says:
  hmmm

   9:35 - me says:
  not convinced

   9:35 - me says:
  your profile is hidden, which is creep alert #1

   9:40 - he says:
  now now 

   9:40 - me says:
  true statement

   9:42 - he says:
  your lasso would reveal all

   9:44 - me says:
  seriously, on a scale of 1-10- how creepy do you think you are?

   9:45 - he says:
  I think I'm a genuinelly nice though irreverent person

  9:46 - me says:
 huh

 9:46 - me says:
good to know

9:57 - me says:
unsubscribe.

My imagination is way worse that your photo could ever be

People without profile photos of themselves should go ahead and post them because there's no way they're as fat and ugly as we're imagining.
That being said, here are a few pointers on what and what not to post. Mostly what not to post. Okay, its all what not to post. Let's take a visual tour shall we... 

You have a bird on your head. What are you trying to communicate to me here? That you are a wild and crazy guy? Or that you have an affinity for fowl? Cause I'm not gonna lie, I'm leaning towards the later.

 

You are in a phone booth and your face is very obscured... not to mention the In n Out uniform. This is his only photo. I don't really know where I am going with this one, but just no. Don't do that. Next.

Oh Heyyyyy. That's what you are saying isnt it. Or perhaps it's "look I hang out with cute chicks." Either way, I don't want to see my competition and I don't want to have to guess what you are saying. Well I do kinda want to do that last part- it helps pass the time when I'm looking at your exceedingly wordy profile.

You knew I couldn't pass up another creepy gym self portrait. I seriously wish I would see some guy do this at the gym. Guaranteed I would tap on his massive arm and ask if he was gonna post that to an Internet dating site. Then I would tell him he's a douche. But I would still give him a high five.

This one goes back to the fact that the first impression you give me should not be that there is a possibility you may want to kill me. Check. Check. Check.

 Pinky out. Enough said. Oh wait, one more thing to say- you are also drinking out of a straw.

Holy Hell this guy photo-shopped himself riding a squirrel. Creepy but awesome at the same time. Borderline. I still vote for refraining from any usage of photo-shop.
Note: I would like to ride a giant squirrel though.

Oh buddy. Thanks for showing me your muscles. They are decent, so well done. Here is the thing, if I met you at a bar and you did that- I would laugh at you and walk away. Especially since you seem 100% serious in this photo. I would like to meet the person that took it for you and ask them why they aren't being a good friend and asking you why you need a photo like this then steering you in another direction. Its like the people who go on American Idol and can't sing and start to cry and say they let all their friends and family down. News flash- you don't have any real friends or they would tell you that you sound like Skuttle from the Little Mermaid and that you are better off pursuing snarfblatting.

2 Little Mermaid references in one sentence, now its time for you to judge me.

Moral of the story- you need a photo on your profile unless you really like failure. But keep it real- no self portraits, no obscured faces, no hot girls, and maybe just maybe a limited amount of photo-shopped animal riding. Certainly no pinkies and no drinking out of straws.

Running the Bases Backwards: It's a Date.

Have you heard of this term: "running the bases backwards"? It refers to our generation- and those that come after us since I am now getting old. Apparently we like to switch it up from the good ol days... now we go to a bar, get drunk, sleep with someone, ask their name in the morning, and hope that maybe we hit it off enough to go on a first date- or at least get a ride home with a good bye kiss. So bascially we start at home and work our way around to third, maybe second if you are lucky- and if you get back to first you have yourself a SO (Significant Other). Raise your hand if you have run the bases backwards a time or five? 

<hand raised>

Perhaps this is why the average age of when people wed is slowly creeping up. We need to get our heads on straight people- and here is where Match actually does something right. For the most part, you have to speak to someone, get their name, view their outlook on children, family, career, etc before hopping into bed with them. And maybe, just maybe, you go on a date first. Silly talk, I know.

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 

Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.

I am about to take Match to the next level and go out on some real dates. I should mention that I am not a gal who dates often. At least not with complete strangers. So how does this work? Do we meet for a drink? What if he's a total douche, how do I get out of there? Do I preface any meeting by saying I have somewhere to be within the next hour so that I have an "out"? What if he tries to kiss me? What if he has a lisp? 

What are some ideas for a good first "date" with a person you have only texted, emailed, and/or spoken to a few times?

Anxiety at an all time high- and social calendar at an all time packed. Wish me luck friends, this could go really well for me (love) or really well for you (creep blog material). 

I suppose its a win win either way huh.

Conquer Me

I love a funny guy. Who doesn’t though? True, a sense of humor is much like beauty- in the eye of the beholder… or in this case the laugh of the beholder… or is it the brain of the beholder? Whatever. You catch my drift. I recently dated a guy who looked great on paper- you know the guy: tall, dark, handsome, successful, no baby mama drama, dog, good style, blah blah blah. But there was something missing… he didn’t make me laugh. And that was that. Now, don’t get me wrong- I don’t need to be entertained all the time. In fact, I find when guys can’t turn it off it’s almost as bad as them not being able to turn it on. No bueno. 

Meet FunnyGuy. Not his name but he is, so let’s call him that. This is one of the two guys that I actually initiated contact with- he had an interesting photo of himself doing a sport not many people do, so I commented on that in an email. Short and sweet. He replied back with the following:

Hey XX (me),

me and my older bro should go on a date with you and your sister.

we need to hang out immediately chica. <he gave his phone # here>

Love <insert his town here>, but everyone knows that your hometown is second tier :)

Thanks for the props on the sport

I’m going to SF this weekend, but I’d love to spoil you at your local dive bar

You lookin forward to a solid weekend?

-FunnyGuy

I replied making reference to me possibly owning 26 cats (and threatening to drop them off at his house to babysit) and weighing 300 pounds and that I thought it was a bold move he gave me his phone number right off the bat. In addition to saying my sis and I have never gone on a double date (true) and that I was headed out of town for the weekend and could he possibly watch my cats. 

Here’s the kicker, I then gave him my number. Here is the text that came next:

Him: One of your 26 cats scratched my eye, now I look like a villain, much appreciated. Hope you had a good weekend XX (me).

Me: Blast! Damn cats- you can keep ‘em

Him: Keep em? I prefer training, grooming, clipping, and showcasing them for a small profit (in addition to the intrinsic value I derive).

Me: Funny Guy. Bueno.

I know, my responses are lack luster. But how do you take cat grooming to the next level?

Moral of the story- humor can take you a LONG LONG way.
As Napoleon said, “A woman laughing is a woman conquered.”
Funny, I wouldn’t peg him for the funny type.

Sex in the What?

Just had this IM with one of my best friends: 

me: I need inspiration for my blog.

Dianna: name one of your guys that you think sounds mysterious... or wealthy Mr. Big

haha

make fun of Sex in the City

me:  I've never seen it

Dianna:  oh no

not even an episode

?????

me:  Nope

Dianna:  you are a fucken loser. 

Seriously. 

How are you a woman 

???? 

That is like a guide to dating. 

No wonder you are single. 

If you want to find me, I'll be watching DVDs of Sex in the City this weekend. Thanks.