My imagination is way worse that your photo could ever be

People without profile photos of themselves should go ahead and post them because there's no way they're as fat and ugly as we're imagining.
That being said, here are a few pointers on what and what not to post. Mostly what not to post. Okay, its all what not to post. Let's take a visual tour shall we... 

You have a bird on your head. What are you trying to communicate to me here? That you are a wild and crazy guy? Or that you have an affinity for fowl? Cause I'm not gonna lie, I'm leaning towards the later.

 

You are in a phone booth and your face is very obscured... not to mention the In n Out uniform. This is his only photo. I don't really know where I am going with this one, but just no. Don't do that. Next.

Oh Heyyyyy. That's what you are saying isnt it. Or perhaps it's "look I hang out with cute chicks." Either way, I don't want to see my competition and I don't want to have to guess what you are saying. Well I do kinda want to do that last part- it helps pass the time when I'm looking at your exceedingly wordy profile.

You knew I couldn't pass up another creepy gym self portrait. I seriously wish I would see some guy do this at the gym. Guaranteed I would tap on his massive arm and ask if he was gonna post that to an Internet dating site. Then I would tell him he's a douche. But I would still give him a high five.

This one goes back to the fact that the first impression you give me should not be that there is a possibility you may want to kill me. Check. Check. Check.

 Pinky out. Enough said. Oh wait, one more thing to say- you are also drinking out of a straw.

Holy Hell this guy photo-shopped himself riding a squirrel. Creepy but awesome at the same time. Borderline. I still vote for refraining from any usage of photo-shop.
Note: I would like to ride a giant squirrel though.

Oh buddy. Thanks for showing me your muscles. They are decent, so well done. Here is the thing, if I met you at a bar and you did that- I would laugh at you and walk away. Especially since you seem 100% serious in this photo. I would like to meet the person that took it for you and ask them why they aren't being a good friend and asking you why you need a photo like this then steering you in another direction. Its like the people who go on American Idol and can't sing and start to cry and say they let all their friends and family down. News flash- you don't have any real friends or they would tell you that you sound like Skuttle from the Little Mermaid and that you are better off pursuing snarfblatting.

2 Little Mermaid references in one sentence, now its time for you to judge me.

Moral of the story- you need a photo on your profile unless you really like failure. But keep it real- no self portraits, no obscured faces, no hot girls, and maybe just maybe a limited amount of photo-shopped animal riding. Certainly no pinkies and no drinking out of straws.

Running the Bases Backwards: It's a Date.

Have you heard of this term: "running the bases backwards"? It refers to our generation- and those that come after us since I am now getting old. Apparently we like to switch it up from the good ol days... now we go to a bar, get drunk, sleep with someone, ask their name in the morning, and hope that maybe we hit it off enough to go on a first date- or at least get a ride home with a good bye kiss. So bascially we start at home and work our way around to third, maybe second if you are lucky- and if you get back to first you have yourself a SO (Significant Other). Raise your hand if you have run the bases backwards a time or five? 

<hand raised>

Perhaps this is why the average age of when people wed is slowly creeping up. We need to get our heads on straight people- and here is where Match actually does something right. For the most part, you have to speak to someone, get their name, view their outlook on children, family, career, etc before hopping into bed with them. And maybe, just maybe, you go on a date first. Silly talk, I know.

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 

Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.

I am about to take Match to the next level and go out on some real dates. I should mention that I am not a gal who dates often. At least not with complete strangers. So how does this work? Do we meet for a drink? What if he's a total douche, how do I get out of there? Do I preface any meeting by saying I have somewhere to be within the next hour so that I have an "out"? What if he tries to kiss me? What if he has a lisp? 

What are some ideas for a good first "date" with a person you have only texted, emailed, and/or spoken to a few times?

Anxiety at an all time high- and social calendar at an all time packed. Wish me luck friends, this could go really well for me (love) or really well for you (creep blog material). 

I suppose its a win win either way huh.

Conquer Me

I love a funny guy. Who doesn’t though? True, a sense of humor is much like beauty- in the eye of the beholder… or in this case the laugh of the beholder… or is it the brain of the beholder? Whatever. You catch my drift. I recently dated a guy who looked great on paper- you know the guy: tall, dark, handsome, successful, no baby mama drama, dog, good style, blah blah blah. But there was something missing… he didn’t make me laugh. And that was that. Now, don’t get me wrong- I don’t need to be entertained all the time. In fact, I find when guys can’t turn it off it’s almost as bad as them not being able to turn it on. No bueno. 

Meet FunnyGuy. Not his name but he is, so let’s call him that. This is one of the two guys that I actually initiated contact with- he had an interesting photo of himself doing a sport not many people do, so I commented on that in an email. Short and sweet. He replied back with the following:

Hey XX (me),

me and my older bro should go on a date with you and your sister.

we need to hang out immediately chica. <he gave his phone # here>

Love <insert his town here>, but everyone knows that your hometown is second tier :)

Thanks for the props on the sport

I’m going to SF this weekend, but I’d love to spoil you at your local dive bar

You lookin forward to a solid weekend?

-FunnyGuy

I replied making reference to me possibly owning 26 cats (and threatening to drop them off at his house to babysit) and weighing 300 pounds and that I thought it was a bold move he gave me his phone number right off the bat. In addition to saying my sis and I have never gone on a double date (true) and that I was headed out of town for the weekend and could he possibly watch my cats. 

Here’s the kicker, I then gave him my number. Here is the text that came next:

Him: One of your 26 cats scratched my eye, now I look like a villain, much appreciated. Hope you had a good weekend XX (me).

Me: Blast! Damn cats- you can keep ‘em

Him: Keep em? I prefer training, grooming, clipping, and showcasing them for a small profit (in addition to the intrinsic value I derive).

Me: Funny Guy. Bueno.

I know, my responses are lack luster. But how do you take cat grooming to the next level?

Moral of the story- humor can take you a LONG LONG way.
As Napoleon said, “A woman laughing is a woman conquered.”
Funny, I wouldn’t peg him for the funny type.

Sex in the What?

Just had this IM with one of my best friends: 

me: I need inspiration for my blog.

Dianna: name one of your guys that you think sounds mysterious... or wealthy Mr. Big

haha

make fun of Sex in the City

me:  I've never seen it

Dianna:  oh no

not even an episode

?????

me:  Nope

Dianna:  you are a fucken loser. 

Seriously. 

How are you a woman 

???? 

That is like a guide to dating. 

No wonder you are single. 

If you want to find me, I'll be watching DVDs of Sex in the City this weekend. Thanks.

Conversation & Blow Jobs

I'm one of those gals who's into conversation.
Which is a little like saying I'm one of those guys who's into blow jobs.
Some of the emails I have received on match aren't so shocking in content (don't get me wrong, a lot of them are) but shocking in lack of content. I mean, hello people, I paid $31.95 for one month and I fully intend to find love within those 30 days we so are going to need to speed things up. I was too cheap to spring for the 3 month commitment of $29.95 each month- so I need to realize my $2 over spend was worth it. Let's get crack-a-lackin boys! Here are just a sampling of the emails I have received- I quote them in their entirety.

"How do I get the keys to the castle?"
<I am pretty sure this is a movie line, which if he read my profile he would know I haven't been to a movie theater in 15 years so it is lost on me.If it is not a movie line, then I don't really know where to go from here.>

"You sound fun..."
<You are correct, I am.>

"About me, I work in IT, live in Torrance near Rolling Hills Estates and Palos Verdes, never been married, like films, writing, good wine, good food, good books, hiking."
<Okay, thanks for sharing. I can already see how our first date would go. Enough about me, let's talk about me.>

"I would like to meet for a drink."
<I would like to not be murdered.>

"Thoughts?"
<see  http://matchthesetwins.blogspot.com/ for my thoughts>

"Tell me more about you... I love your laugh"
<I love this one. Simply because I would like to know how he has heard my laugh.>

"Was there instant distrust when you saw my photo?"
<Nailed it.>

I mean seriously guys- strike up a CONVERSATION. It's hard to write back when you give me one line to work with. Anything is better than nothing. Well, as long as you don't make me think you want to kill me. How about "How was your weekend" for the win!

Am I here for love or to make you feel better about yourself?

I was talking to my twin the other day about... what else... match.com. This seems to be the theme over the past week. We have both been inundated with winks and emails. There are a lot of people out there looking for love. Supposedly 20,000 people a day join match. Whoa. That's a big pond with a bunch of fishies in it.
I was telling her that some of these guys I have received emails from I feel really bad for. I am aware of how terrible that sounds by the way. Allow me to explain- aka dig myself deeper into the hole...

Some of these guys are class A dorks. There is no two ways about this. Everything about them screams I AM AWKWARD. And I want to help them. Do I want to date them? Um no. But I feel like if they had just a little more self confidence and perhaps a good haircut, that they could really have a shot on here. So I email them back, I respond when they IM me.

My sister and I go on each others profiles to see whats happening and she totally called me out on it when she saw my little pattern.I told her my theory about wanting to help grow their confidence, blah blah blah. She said: WE ARE HERE FOR LOVE, (yes she yelled that) not to try to make guys feel better about themselves. There isn't enough time for that. !!!

I got this email today from my #1 dork project (note after he tried to IM me 4 times this morning):

I wanted to say hi, I am not having a good day at all after I had a chance to talk to my mom this morning to find out that my 8 year old golden retriever got sick yesterday and he had to be taken to emergency, and had to be put to sleep yesterday, I just wish I would have had a chance to see him, it just sucks, I was really close with the dog, and when I heard the news I really couldn't say anything. I was wondering if you maybe wanted to grab dinner and drinks either tonight, tomorrow or thursday, I was thinking it would be really nice to have someone to enjoy dinner and drinks with and thought I how I would really like to take you out. I have no idea what your schedule is like, but if you are going to have either tonight, tomorrow or thursday free, it would be great to have a chance to meet you and have a chance to enjoy a nice dinner with you. Let me know

I blocked him shortly there after. I am here for love.

Twin to Twin

My sister just texted me this and I spit out my water all over my computer from laughing so hard. May need a new keyboard but totally worth it.

"Check out my new match message. He has a unibrow and likes cats. Enough said."