Underachiever

Soak it all friends, this guy seems like a gem. 

Especially since he is wearing socks on the beach while holding a surfboard. Black Socks. And a Pony Tail. 

To succeed in life you need two things: Ignorance & Confidence. 

This guys is about to take over the world ladies- who want's to get on board? I'll pass, thank you very much. In the words of Oprah, when you see crazy coming, cross the street. Street crossed.

 

In His Own Words

I am the guy that you want to be with. The one that books a flight by tossing a dart at a map. The one that has accomplished every goal that you can imagine. I wrote a novel at the age of 21, won 3 emmys as a sportscaster, magician of the year recognized by the society of american magicians, survived Hurricane Katrina, moved to LA for the sole explanation, "why not," would walk into a 5 star restaurant in sweats to have some Kobe bc I can. Simply put, I am THAT guy you want to be with but may not be able to keep up with. SO my favorite part of this is what do I do? based on that intro haha. I am a professional poker player(insert your red flags here). I am a mathematical wiz and I have had a lot of success. Before you judge just know that my profession has paid for my condo, allows me to stay and dine where ever I want and travel more then most in a lifetime. If your looking for a guy in a 3 piece suit, I have those too and while my lifestyle maybe nontraditional its a lot more exciting then some lush grinding his way 9-5 living for the weekend. I could have been the doctor lawyer business guy whatever, but I make just as much as they do and work way less then they do. A lot of my friends are in those fields and when we go to any function I am the guy everyone wants to talk to. Give me 5 min and you will ask for 5 hours but for God Sakes be honest, I know when your lying its what I do and if you want a guy that can read your mind thats me LAST THING PLEASE READ..I am not an arrogant guy, just confident and accomplished, I will open the door, sit through a girlie movie, or surprise you with flowers. I am one of the good guys that considers himself a gentleman and a scholar.

Life Lesson.

If you act like an ass, don't expect to get any.
You are welcome.

Killer: not the image you should try to convey

 

"Obviously, I have been looking for love in all the wrong places. Is this the right place? Are you funny? can you take a joke? do you know when to shed your opinion? do you know when to keep it to yourself? Life is the divine comedy, and I laugh at the Human race a lot! Do you? I am proud to be 37 and not married, divorced or have any children yet. I look for the good in everyone. I hope my partner can do the same. If I do something nice for my partner, I would love to feel reciprocated. I hope to attract a witty self sustaining, independent lover who is passionate in everything she does. Hopefully can understand my broad range and warped sense of humor. a realist with no pie in the sky or pipe dreams that may never be a reality. you better make me laugh as much as I do to you."

This is what I gather from your profile: you might kill me. 

That is all. Thanks.

Couldn't make this up if I tried

<insert his name, its a gem stone by the way>skywalker :

About him & Who he's looking for

We are the soldiers of the awakening
Our message is light and sound
We have no master, we follow no leader
Yet we are all at the head of our cause
Our mission is ascension from misery
Our promise is enlightenment
Our past is timeless, our future is present
We are keepers of evernow
We demand nothing, for we need nothing
We abhor violence, detest ignorance,
Advise radiance, enable convergence,
We think without brains, speak without tongues,
Move without bodies, and love without hearts
We are spirit without boundary
Light without fear
Sight without perception
Truth beyond doubt
We are pitch, volume, sparkle & brilliance,
Shining melody, harmonious vision
Attainment, atonement, attunement, our testaments
Unity in diversity
The reflecting pool of eternity
Infinite fraternity

This is his email to me: 
We are the soldiers of the awakening Our message is light and sound We have no master, we follow no leader Yet we are all at the head of our cause Our mission is ascension from misery Our promise... hello there pretty lady.
This kind of shit gives me a sludgy, unreal feeling, as though I was watching soap operas on a beautiful day. A total waste. Sweet emotion, this if this is what's out there, someone find me a covenant. Stat.

P.S. he had highlights in his photo and was looking off to the left in with a very contemplative expression- also slightly resembled Fabio. 

The Unfortunate Disadvantage of Being a Girl- High School Comes Back to Haunt Us

Ah ya ya ya. Sometimes you males baffle the shit outta me. As my best friend recently said, "You have the unfortunate disadvantage of being a girl." He is correct...  I am not a 19 year old insecure, needy, anorexic head case... and apparently that is where my disadvantage lies.

Pushiness is not sexy, and I have not been sitting around just waiting for an opportunity to be useful to someone like you. Take what you’re offered, emotionally and sexually, like a good sport, and there’s probably more where that came from. Really, there is.

Most men seem to be under the mistaken impression that I am concerned about whether they think I am awesome. I can’t really blame them for this, because some of them are operating on old data they gathered in high school, when girls were insecure messes so desperate for validation that they probably would have gone to the prom with a middle-aged gangland pimp if it meant that someone would ring their doorbell at six and tell them they were pretty. No exceptions made here (except I didn't go to prom, seriously I didn't. My sister on the other hand had like 12 guys ask her. And I am still the single one, shocker.) Wake up and smell the dried corsages, boys: that was a pretty long time ago. These days, gals, or at least any gals you should want to date, already like themselves just fine, so they aren’t bound to fall all over themselves with excitement when you offer them some lukewarm and slightly condescending compliment, such as, “Hey, you’re kind of funny/smart/cute.”

At any rate, let me enlighten you: If you are the instigator, if you are the one doing the pursuing, they aren’t worried about what you think of them. They are worried about what they think of YOU, this near-stranger who has stepped onto their radar and is now blocking their path to the bar. So don’t be surprised if we don’t melt into your arms the moment you flash us a dimple and ask us out as if you’re doing us a giant favor. Uh, who are you, again? And why do you merit the application of a flat-iron and the dragging out of the decent panties? It’s incredible how often guys expect me to feel excited that a guy, ANY guy, wants to text me at 1am and see if I want to meet up for a drink (yes, seriously), whether I know anything about him or not. Not only was I doing just fine without you, but you are standing between me and my bottle of vino, and if you knew me better, you would realize the extent to which your life was in danger based on that fact alone. So the next time you offer me a compliment, try to sound sincere, not condescending. Better yet, do or say something interesting enough that I’m now the impressed one. Now that will get my attention. Also, let's avoid the midnight-3am texts asking me what I am up to. I’ve got a hot date with a book and a bottle of vino tonight.

If you were wondering how the better half lives … well, now you know.

Kind-hearted Delusion Disolved

Should you ever become misinformed and start perceiving yourself as a kind-hearted individual who feels that all human beings have inherent worth, rest assured that you can always correct this delusion simply by doing some online dating. I suppose real life dating would do the same.

The unfortunate truth, as you will surely discover, is that you secretly think you are better than almost everyone, and that you are so convinced of your own awesomeness that you will probably be forced to die alone, wearing a smug and superior expression that will hopefully remain more or less intact despite spending the remainder of your days alone with your eleven cats.

I hate name droppers, living in the mecca of celebrity doesn't help. Here is one person I for sure think I am more awesome than- he is a world class name dropper- and also an American Actor- whatever that means. Gotta go feed the cats...

I'm an American Actor, Producer, and Real Estate Entrepreneur. My two biggest accomplishments are I'm a self-made millionaire at 26 and I produced a sitcom that NBC may be developing for the fall. I play one of the lead characters. I'd love to meet a positive, creative, and expressive girl with a deep heart and open mind who is infinitely curious and lives with passion. Two of my favorite thrills are inspiring people and making them laugh. I love adventure and I'm passionate about acting. Acting has given me a means to always grow, discover, take risks, and connect with people. It's because performing art moves us to experience our lives and relationships in a richer, deeper way that I always want to live for it. I left college at the age of 20 to pursue real estate and acting. It wasn't until 23 that I became a Real Estate broker and started my own company. Meanwhile I kept acting. I flipped my 1st property at 24. Meanwhile I kept acting. I began mentoring real estate investors on how to get their deals under contract, funded, and flipped at 25. Meanwhile I kept acting. At 26 I became a self-made millionaire and gave life to XX  Entertainment with my fellow actors. I have been inspired by many authors, teachers, actors, and public speakers. So in the meanwhile follow your dreams, stay inspired, and live with passion

He emailed- here is the boring banter that ensued::

he said:: I love a girl with passion.... Bacon and beets? you must be interesting.... Or a comedian.

she said:: No comedian... Just a plain ol girl who really likes beets... And bacon. But I am passionate about them both. Well, passionate about cooking in general. How's life in Santa Monica? Hope your weekend is a splendid one

he said:: Oh It's pretty rough here ;) do you ever come up here? It's been a funny night... just met with Owen Wilson at the viceroy here. What are you up to? 

she said:: I do make it up to Santa Monica every once in a while, but I commute a ton for work so when the weekends roll around I keep my truck parked and stick around the South Bay. Low key is much more my scene. How was the rest of your weekend?

he said:: It was =0) (HOLY SHIT, that puts the :-) to SHAME) an extraordinary weekend. No exaggeration. I could tell you, but i think you'd appreciate my enthusiasm more in person if you heard it. Maybe we could get together soon for a glass of wine by the firepit here and head out to the promenade for dinner and a movie.... or maybe there's something you've been wanting to do here in Santa Monica? My house is on the hill across the street from the Santa Monica Airport so it's cool to see the planes land and take off with the ocean in the background sitting next to the fire. I'm not sure when we could, but if you're up for it we should try.

he said:: I'm looking for a sushi and sake partner tonight... You wanna go? Ry

she said:: ah, I'm not very good at checking this thing, so I suppose my answer was no...
hope you found a lovely lady to take you up on your offer though. also, out of curiosity, does the name drop thing work for you?

It's AND not AN, also this (.) is called a period. Use it.

I got this email an morning from a gentleman suitor: 

"hello sexy how u doin oh by the waY u have some sexy eyes"

(File that email under obvious foreshadowing as to what his profile could possibly say)

You know I couldn't pass up persuing his profile after an introduction like that, I mean he thinks I HAVE SEXY EYES!! Here is what he had to say::

hello ladys ima real an down to earth guy an i dont play games an i keep it 100 so please do the same

well i like to start an say im a strong an indenpent guy i like long walks on the beach im a romance guy i like to run my lady bubble baths an stuff like that well im looking for someone thats real an down to earth an dont play games i love someone thats have something going for they self i love traveling all types of places i love long terms relationships im a goood guy unless u want to see my bad side lol i have a gooofy side to i love to have fun i work an im an real dude so if u like what u hear or see dont be scared i dont bit an hit me back i love sports ETC.............................