Ah ya ya ya. Sometimes you males baffle the shit outta me. As my best friend recently said, "You have the unfortunate disadvantage of being a girl." He is correct... I am not a 19 year old insecure, needy, anorexic head case... and apparently that is where my disadvantage lies.
Pushiness is not sexy, and I have not been sitting around just waiting for an opportunity to be useful to someone like you. Take what you’re offered, emotionally and sexually, like a good sport, and there’s probably more where that came from. Really, there is.
Most men seem to be under the mistaken impression that I am concerned about whether they think I am awesome. I can’t really blame them for this, because some of them are operating on old data they gathered in high school, when girls were insecure messes so desperate for validation that they probably would have gone to the prom with a middle-aged gangland pimp if it meant that someone would ring their doorbell at six and tell them they were pretty. No exceptions made here (except I didn't go to prom, seriously I didn't. My sister on the other hand had like 12 guys ask her. And I am still the single one, shocker.) Wake up and smell the dried corsages, boys: that was a pretty long time ago. These days, gals, or at least any gals you should want to date, already like themselves just fine, so they aren’t bound to fall all over themselves with excitement when you offer them some lukewarm and slightly condescending compliment, such as, “Hey, you’re kind of funny/smart/cute.”
At any rate, let me enlighten you: If you are the instigator, if you are the one doing the pursuing, they aren’t worried about what you think of them. They are worried about what they think of YOU, this near-stranger who has stepped onto their radar and is now blocking their path to the bar. So don’t be surprised if we don’t melt into your arms the moment you flash us a dimple and ask us out as if you’re doing us a giant favor. Uh, who are you, again? And why do you merit the application of a flat-iron and the dragging out of the decent panties? It’s incredible how often guys expect me to feel excited that a guy, ANY guy, wants to text me at 1am and see if I want to meet up for a drink (yes, seriously), whether I know anything about him or not. Not only was I doing just fine without you, but you are standing between me and my bottle of vino, and if you knew me better, you would realize the extent to which your life was in danger based on that fact alone. So the next time you offer me a compliment, try to sound sincere, not condescending. Better yet, do or say something interesting enough that I’m now the impressed one. Now that will get my attention. Also, let's avoid the midnight-3am texts asking me what I am up to. I’ve got a hot date with a book and a bottle of vino tonight.
If you were wondering how the better half lives … well, now you know.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Kind-hearted Delusion Disolved
Should you ever become misinformed and start perceiving yourself as a kind-hearted individual who feels that all human beings have inherent worth, rest assured that you can always correct this delusion simply by doing some online dating. I suppose real life dating would do the same.
The unfortunate truth, as you will surely discover, is that you secretly think you are better than almost everyone, and that you are so convinced of your own awesomeness that you will probably be forced to die alone, wearing a smug and superior expression that will hopefully remain more or less intact despite spending the remainder of your days alone with your eleven cats.
I hate name droppers, living in the mecca of celebrity doesn't help. Here is one person I for sure think I am more awesome than- he is a world class name dropper- and also an American Actor- whatever that means. Gotta go feed the cats...
I'm an American Actor, Producer, and Real Estate Entrepreneur. My two biggest accomplishments are I'm a self-made millionaire at 26 and I produced a sitcom that NBC may be developing for the fall. I play one of the lead characters. I'd love to meet a positive, creative, and expressive girl with a deep heart and open mind who is infinitely curious and lives with passion. Two of my favorite thrills are inspiring people and making them laugh. I love adventure and I'm passionate about acting. Acting has given me a means to always grow, discover, take risks, and connect with people. It's because performing art moves us to experience our lives and relationships in a richer, deeper way that I always want to live for it. I left college at the age of 20 to pursue real estate and acting. It wasn't until 23 that I became a Real Estate broker and started my own company. Meanwhile I kept acting. I flipped my 1st property at 24. Meanwhile I kept acting. I began mentoring real estate investors on how to get their deals under contract, funded, and flipped at 25. Meanwhile I kept acting. At 26 I became a self-made millionaire and gave life to XX Entertainment with my fellow actors. I have been inspired by many authors, teachers, actors, and public speakers. So in the meanwhile follow your dreams, stay inspired, and live with passion
He emailed- here is the boring banter that ensued::
she said:: No comedian... Just a plain ol girl who really likes beets... And bacon. But I am passionate about them both. Well, passionate about cooking in general. How's life in Santa Monica? Hope your weekend is a splendid one
he said:: Oh It's pretty rough here ;) do you ever come up here? It's been a funny night... just met with Owen Wilson at the viceroy here. What are you up to?
she said:: I do make it up to Santa Monica every once in a while, but I commute a ton for work so when the weekends roll around I keep my truck parked and stick around the South Bay. Low key is much more my scene. How was the rest of your weekend?
he said:: It was =0) (HOLY SHIT, that puts the :-) to SHAME) an extraordinary weekend. No exaggeration. I could tell you, but i think you'd appreciate my enthusiasm more in person if you heard it. Maybe we could get together soon for a glass of wine by the firepit here and head out to the promenade for dinner and a movie.... or maybe there's something you've been wanting to do here in Santa Monica? My house is on the hill across the street from the Santa Monica Airport so it's cool to see the planes land and take off with the ocean in the background sitting next to the fire. I'm not sure when we could, but if you're up for it we should try.
he said:: I'm looking for a sushi and sake partner tonight... You wanna go? Ry
she said:: ah, I'm not very good at checking this thing, so I suppose my answer was no...
hope you found a lovely lady to take you up on your offer though. also, out of curiosity, does the name drop thing work for you?
The unfortunate truth, as you will surely discover, is that you secretly think you are better than almost everyone, and that you are so convinced of your own awesomeness that you will probably be forced to die alone, wearing a smug and superior expression that will hopefully remain more or less intact despite spending the remainder of your days alone with your eleven cats.
I hate name droppers, living in the mecca of celebrity doesn't help. Here is one person I for sure think I am more awesome than- he is a world class name dropper- and also an American Actor- whatever that means. Gotta go feed the cats...
I'm an American Actor, Producer, and Real Estate Entrepreneur. My two biggest accomplishments are I'm a self-made millionaire at 26 and I produced a sitcom that NBC may be developing for the fall. I play one of the lead characters. I'd love to meet a positive, creative, and expressive girl with a deep heart and open mind who is infinitely curious and lives with passion. Two of my favorite thrills are inspiring people and making them laugh. I love adventure and I'm passionate about acting. Acting has given me a means to always grow, discover, take risks, and connect with people. It's because performing art moves us to experience our lives and relationships in a richer, deeper way that I always want to live for it. I left college at the age of 20 to pursue real estate and acting. It wasn't until 23 that I became a Real Estate broker and started my own company. Meanwhile I kept acting. I flipped my 1st property at 24. Meanwhile I kept acting. I began mentoring real estate investors on how to get their deals under contract, funded, and flipped at 25. Meanwhile I kept acting. At 26 I became a self-made millionaire and gave life to XX Entertainment with my fellow actors. I have been inspired by many authors, teachers, actors, and public speakers. So in the meanwhile follow your dreams, stay inspired, and live with passion
He emailed- here is the boring banter that ensued::
he said:: I love a girl with passion.... Bacon and beets? you must be interesting.... Or a comedian.
she said:: No comedian... Just a plain ol girl who really likes beets... And bacon. But I am passionate about them both. Well, passionate about cooking in general. How's life in Santa Monica? Hope your weekend is a splendid one
he said:: Oh It's pretty rough here ;) do you ever come up here? It's been a funny night... just met with Owen Wilson at the viceroy here. What are you up to?
she said:: I do make it up to Santa Monica every once in a while, but I commute a ton for work so when the weekends roll around I keep my truck parked and stick around the South Bay. Low key is much more my scene. How was the rest of your weekend?
he said:: It was =0) (HOLY SHIT, that puts the :-) to SHAME) an extraordinary weekend. No exaggeration. I could tell you, but i think you'd appreciate my enthusiasm more in person if you heard it. Maybe we could get together soon for a glass of wine by the firepit here and head out to the promenade for dinner and a movie.... or maybe there's something you've been wanting to do here in Santa Monica? My house is on the hill across the street from the Santa Monica Airport so it's cool to see the planes land and take off with the ocean in the background sitting next to the fire. I'm not sure when we could, but if you're up for it we should try.
he said:: I'm looking for a sushi and sake partner tonight... You wanna go? Ry
she said:: ah, I'm not very good at checking this thing, so I suppose my answer was no...
hope you found a lovely lady to take you up on your offer though. also, out of curiosity, does the name drop thing work for you?
It's AND not AN, also this (.) is called a period. Use it.
I got this email an morning from a gentleman suitor:
"hello sexy how u doin oh by the waY u have some sexy eyes"
(File that email under obvious foreshadowing as to what his profile could possibly say)
You know I couldn't pass up persuing his profile after an introduction like that, I mean he thinks I HAVE SEXY EYES!! Here is what he had to say::
"hello sexy how u doin oh by the waY u have some sexy eyes"
(File that email under obvious foreshadowing as to what his profile could possibly say)
You know I couldn't pass up persuing his profile after an introduction like that, I mean he thinks I HAVE SEXY EYES!! Here is what he had to say::
hello ladys ima real an down to earth guy an i dont play games an i keep it 100 so please do the same
well i like to start an say im a strong an indenpent guy i like long walks on the beach im a romance guy i like to run my lady bubble baths an stuff like that well im looking for someone thats real an down to earth an dont play games i love someone thats have something going for they self i love traveling all types of places i love long terms relationships im a goood guy unless u want to see my bad side lol i have a gooofy side to i love to have fun i work an im an real dude so if u like what u hear or see dont be scared i dont bit an hit me back i love sports ETC...........................Thursday, June 23, 2011
Guest Blogger- The Art of Whole Foods
This is from my sexy friend who loves beer and gaga....
Should I wear the red skirt and white blouse or go with the “I’m not really trying” jeans look? Maybe I will just stick with the crowd pleaser and popular choice of my black “make my butt look juicy” yoga pants matched with a cute t-shirt that could probably fit a 5 year old girl. The painted on pants win...lets just be honest here, they are always a winner.
Back to my thought, you may think these are clothing options floating through the minds of thousands of women specifically getting ready for a much anticipated date.
Wrong.
Like a carousel collection of clothing labeled “this makes me look hot”, women are carefully making these choices not just for themselves but for the men at MMM. Thats short for the place I call : The Mecca of Marriage Material. This place also goes by its government name: Whole Foods. Yes, that store with the overly nice food stockers and endless choices of deli meats. Its not just a place where you over spend on some organic vegetable but a place where, if you are looking for what most women like “a tall man, fit, athletic, with maybe some dimples” this is the spot.
MMM is so consistently filled with hot men that I’m starting to think I need an invent an app for my single friends. An app that can locate the hottest ones zoning in on them based on which aisle they are walking down. “Cute toned surfer boy, Aisle 5” Aisle 5, the gluten free aisle. Obviously he’s there. By the way, I don’t get how people eat that gluten free stuff , its like eating an ice cream cone without the ice cream. You are missing the good stuff.
Here’s the twist. I’m already taken. I have a fiance but if I could re-do my bachelorette days in an effort to save money, along with my gang of single friends, I would pop a bottle of wine and station ourselves right near the meat counter... grazing like a pack of zebras. We could even score dinner there! Fat free of course. If that guy Michael Vartan (the poor mans version of Ben Affleck actor that ironically dated Jennifer Garner and acts in the show Hawthorne) can meet his now wife while searching for green apples, what makes you think you can’t find your dream guy there. Look for yourself!
Moral of the story: Don’t judge those girls that are maybe wearing a little too much mascara or high heels while trying to pick out 8.99 a pound pre-made pasta. Maybe she doesn’t really like to eat healthy after all, in fact she probably hates spending $150 on 4 items... maybe she’s there to meet Mr. Perfect.
Should I wear the red skirt and white blouse or go with the “I’m not really trying” jeans look? Maybe I will just stick with the crowd pleaser and popular choice of my black “make my butt look juicy” yoga pants matched with a cute t-shirt that could probably fit a 5 year old girl. The painted on pants win...lets just be honest here, they are always a winner.
Back to my thought, you may think these are clothing options floating through the minds of thousands of women specifically getting ready for a much anticipated date.
Wrong.
Like a carousel collection of clothing labeled “this makes me look hot”, women are carefully making these choices not just for themselves but for the men at MMM. Thats short for the place I call : The Mecca of Marriage Material. This place also goes by its government name: Whole Foods. Yes, that store with the overly nice food stockers and endless choices of deli meats. Its not just a place where you over spend on some organic vegetable but a place where, if you are looking for what most women like “a tall man, fit, athletic, with maybe some dimples” this is the spot.
MMM is so consistently filled with hot men that I’m starting to think I need an invent an app for my single friends. An app that can locate the hottest ones zoning in on them based on which aisle they are walking down. “Cute toned surfer boy, Aisle 5” Aisle 5, the gluten free aisle. Obviously he’s there. By the way, I don’t get how people eat that gluten free stuff , its like eating an ice cream cone without the ice cream. You are missing the good stuff.
Here’s the twist. I’m already taken. I have a fiance but if I could re-do my bachelorette days in an effort to save money, along with my gang of single friends, I would pop a bottle of wine and station ourselves right near the meat counter... grazing like a pack of zebras. We could even score dinner there! Fat free of course. If that guy Michael Vartan (the poor mans version of Ben Affleck actor that ironically dated Jennifer Garner and acts in the show Hawthorne) can meet his now wife while searching for green apples, what makes you think you can’t find your dream guy there. Look for yourself!
Moral of the story: Don’t judge those girls that are maybe wearing a little too much mascara or high heels while trying to pick out 8.99 a pound pre-made pasta. Maybe she doesn’t really like to eat healthy after all, in fact she probably hates spending $150 on 4 items... maybe she’s there to meet Mr. Perfect.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Online Dating = Purgatory
I find myself in this odd purgatory, much like a goldfish having to assimilate to a new aquarium by spending time in the safety of a plastic bag from the pet store.
That pretty much sums up online dating to me. Make sense? Allow me to elaborate...
I'm not much of a dater. As one of my best friends recently said: "Your game is that you have no game." True statement. I have no game... If you text me chances are 99% sure that I will text you back within a minute or two... If you call me, I will call you back as soon as I can... If I think you are handsome or cute I will tell you, probably on the first date. I am not good at playing hard to get. If I dig you I dig you, there will be no chase.
According to many of my friends this is my downfall. BUT, here is what I think... If you are in search of a girl that will play games with your head and your heart, I am simply not that girl. So better to move on and go find yourself another kind of crazy, cause this crazy don't mess around.
Where the hell am I going with this? Answer: I forgot.
I have seriously lost my train of thought here folks.
Moral of the story- I feel like a goldfish in a plastic bag, trying to find the right aquarium that won't suffocate the life outta me. One that might have one of those fancy treasure chests and some turquoise stones on the bottom. But what if the right aquarium isn't an aquarium at all- its just a simple lil bowl with brown pebbles on the bottom. Maybe that could work too. Sigh.
You are welcome for this very perplexing post. I am not even going to go back and edit it- talk about a stream of consciousness. I'm sorry and you're welcome and I love you. :)
Over-analysis. Just one of the many services I provide.
That pretty much sums up online dating to me. Make sense? Allow me to elaborate...
I'm not much of a dater. As one of my best friends recently said: "Your game is that you have no game." True statement. I have no game... If you text me chances are 99% sure that I will text you back within a minute or two... If you call me, I will call you back as soon as I can... If I think you are handsome or cute I will tell you, probably on the first date. I am not good at playing hard to get. If I dig you I dig you, there will be no chase.
According to many of my friends this is my downfall. BUT, here is what I think... If you are in search of a girl that will play games with your head and your heart, I am simply not that girl. So better to move on and go find yourself another kind of crazy, cause this crazy don't mess around.
Where the hell am I going with this? Answer: I forgot.
I have seriously lost my train of thought here folks.
Moral of the story- I feel like a goldfish in a plastic bag, trying to find the right aquarium that won't suffocate the life outta me. One that might have one of those fancy treasure chests and some turquoise stones on the bottom. But what if the right aquarium isn't an aquarium at all- its just a simple lil bowl with brown pebbles on the bottom. Maybe that could work too. Sigh.
You are welcome for this very perplexing post. I am not even going to go back and edit it- talk about a stream of consciousness. I'm sorry and you're welcome and I love you. :)
Over-analysis. Just one of the many services I provide.
You people Google some crazy ass shit to get here
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Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Damn, I think I am disqualified + Update
We're baaaaack! Did you miss us? We missed you!
So here is an update on the love life of these twins... One sister is practically hitched. No, not a guy she met on Match, although he was on the site as well but they apparently just never stumbled upon each other. He is quite rad and I for one hope they live happily ever after to take the grandchild pressure off of me. So that leaves me, the one that has written 99% of the content on here... still single. Real life. This is mine. Welcome to it.
This guys was "singled out" for me on Match yesterday- I think that means Match thinks we woud be a perfect match. I would have to disagree...
In His Own Words
...............UPDATE.........
So here is an update on the love life of these twins... One sister is practically hitched. No, not a guy she met on Match, although he was on the site as well but they apparently just never stumbled upon each other. He is quite rad and I for one hope they live happily ever after to take the grandchild pressure off of me. So that leaves me, the one that has written 99% of the content on here... still single. Real life. This is mine. Welcome to it.
This guys was "singled out" for me on Match yesterday- I think that means Match thinks we woud be a perfect match. I would have to disagree...
In His Own Words
...............UPDATE.........
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