My imagination is way worse that your photo could ever be

People without profile photos of themselves should go ahead and post them because there's no way they're as fat and ugly as we're imagining.
That being said, here are a few pointers on what and what not to post. Mostly what not to post. Okay, its all what not to post. Let's take a visual tour shall we... 

You have a bird on your head. What are you trying to communicate to me here? That you are a wild and crazy guy? Or that you have an affinity for fowl? Cause I'm not gonna lie, I'm leaning towards the later.

 

You are in a phone booth and your face is very obscured... not to mention the In n Out uniform. This is his only photo. I don't really know where I am going with this one, but just no. Don't do that. Next.

Oh Heyyyyy. That's what you are saying isnt it. Or perhaps it's "look I hang out with cute chicks." Either way, I don't want to see my competition and I don't want to have to guess what you are saying. Well I do kinda want to do that last part- it helps pass the time when I'm looking at your exceedingly wordy profile.

You knew I couldn't pass up another creepy gym self portrait. I seriously wish I would see some guy do this at the gym. Guaranteed I would tap on his massive arm and ask if he was gonna post that to an Internet dating site. Then I would tell him he's a douche. But I would still give him a high five.

This one goes back to the fact that the first impression you give me should not be that there is a possibility you may want to kill me. Check. Check. Check.

 Pinky out. Enough said. Oh wait, one more thing to say- you are also drinking out of a straw.

Holy Hell this guy photo-shopped himself riding a squirrel. Creepy but awesome at the same time. Borderline. I still vote for refraining from any usage of photo-shop.
Note: I would like to ride a giant squirrel though.

Oh buddy. Thanks for showing me your muscles. They are decent, so well done. Here is the thing, if I met you at a bar and you did that- I would laugh at you and walk away. Especially since you seem 100% serious in this photo. I would like to meet the person that took it for you and ask them why they aren't being a good friend and asking you why you need a photo like this then steering you in another direction. Its like the people who go on American Idol and can't sing and start to cry and say they let all their friends and family down. News flash- you don't have any real friends or they would tell you that you sound like Skuttle from the Little Mermaid and that you are better off pursuing snarfblatting.

2 Little Mermaid references in one sentence, now its time for you to judge me.

Moral of the story- you need a photo on your profile unless you really like failure. But keep it real- no self portraits, no obscured faces, no hot girls, and maybe just maybe a limited amount of photo-shopped animal riding. Certainly no pinkies and no drinking out of straws.

Running the Bases Backwards: It's a Date.

Have you heard of this term: "running the bases backwards"? It refers to our generation- and those that come after us since I am now getting old. Apparently we like to switch it up from the good ol days... now we go to a bar, get drunk, sleep with someone, ask their name in the morning, and hope that maybe we hit it off enough to go on a first date- or at least get a ride home with a good bye kiss. So bascially we start at home and work our way around to third, maybe second if you are lucky- and if you get back to first you have yourself a SO (Significant Other). Raise your hand if you have run the bases backwards a time or five? 

<hand raised>

Perhaps this is why the average age of when people wed is slowly creeping up. We need to get our heads on straight people- and here is where Match actually does something right. For the most part, you have to speak to someone, get their name, view their outlook on children, family, career, etc before hopping into bed with them. And maybe, just maybe, you go on a date first. Silly talk, I know.

There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 

Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.

I am about to take Match to the next level and go out on some real dates. I should mention that I am not a gal who dates often. At least not with complete strangers. So how does this work? Do we meet for a drink? What if he's a total douche, how do I get out of there? Do I preface any meeting by saying I have somewhere to be within the next hour so that I have an "out"? What if he tries to kiss me? What if he has a lisp? 

What are some ideas for a good first "date" with a person you have only texted, emailed, and/or spoken to a few times?

Anxiety at an all time high- and social calendar at an all time packed. Wish me luck friends, this could go really well for me (love) or really well for you (creep blog material). 

I suppose its a win win either way huh.

Conquer Me

I love a funny guy. Who doesn’t though? True, a sense of humor is much like beauty- in the eye of the beholder… or in this case the laugh of the beholder… or is it the brain of the beholder? Whatever. You catch my drift. I recently dated a guy who looked great on paper- you know the guy: tall, dark, handsome, successful, no baby mama drama, dog, good style, blah blah blah. But there was something missing… he didn’t make me laugh. And that was that. Now, don’t get me wrong- I don’t need to be entertained all the time. In fact, I find when guys can’t turn it off it’s almost as bad as them not being able to turn it on. No bueno. 

Meet FunnyGuy. Not his name but he is, so let’s call him that. This is one of the two guys that I actually initiated contact with- he had an interesting photo of himself doing a sport not many people do, so I commented on that in an email. Short and sweet. He replied back with the following:

Hey XX (me),

me and my older bro should go on a date with you and your sister.

we need to hang out immediately chica. <he gave his phone # here>

Love <insert his town here>, but everyone knows that your hometown is second tier :)

Thanks for the props on the sport

I’m going to SF this weekend, but I’d love to spoil you at your local dive bar

You lookin forward to a solid weekend?

-FunnyGuy

I replied making reference to me possibly owning 26 cats (and threatening to drop them off at his house to babysit) and weighing 300 pounds and that I thought it was a bold move he gave me his phone number right off the bat. In addition to saying my sis and I have never gone on a double date (true) and that I was headed out of town for the weekend and could he possibly watch my cats. 

Here’s the kicker, I then gave him my number. Here is the text that came next:

Him: One of your 26 cats scratched my eye, now I look like a villain, much appreciated. Hope you had a good weekend XX (me).

Me: Blast! Damn cats- you can keep ‘em

Him: Keep em? I prefer training, grooming, clipping, and showcasing them for a small profit (in addition to the intrinsic value I derive).

Me: Funny Guy. Bueno.

I know, my responses are lack luster. But how do you take cat grooming to the next level?

Moral of the story- humor can take you a LONG LONG way.
As Napoleon said, “A woman laughing is a woman conquered.”
Funny, I wouldn’t peg him for the funny type.

Sex in the What?

Just had this IM with one of my best friends: 

me: I need inspiration for my blog.

Dianna: name one of your guys that you think sounds mysterious... or wealthy Mr. Big

haha

make fun of Sex in the City

me:  I've never seen it

Dianna:  oh no

not even an episode

?????

me:  Nope

Dianna:  you are a fucken loser. 

Seriously. 

How are you a woman 

???? 

That is like a guide to dating. 

No wonder you are single. 

If you want to find me, I'll be watching DVDs of Sex in the City this weekend. Thanks.

Conversation & Blow Jobs

I'm one of those gals who's into conversation.
Which is a little like saying I'm one of those guys who's into blow jobs.
Some of the emails I have received on match aren't so shocking in content (don't get me wrong, a lot of them are) but shocking in lack of content. I mean, hello people, I paid $31.95 for one month and I fully intend to find love within those 30 days we so are going to need to speed things up. I was too cheap to spring for the 3 month commitment of $29.95 each month- so I need to realize my $2 over spend was worth it. Let's get crack-a-lackin boys! Here are just a sampling of the emails I have received- I quote them in their entirety.

"How do I get the keys to the castle?"
<I am pretty sure this is a movie line, which if he read my profile he would know I haven't been to a movie theater in 15 years so it is lost on me.If it is not a movie line, then I don't really know where to go from here.>

"You sound fun..."
<You are correct, I am.>

"About me, I work in IT, live in Torrance near Rolling Hills Estates and Palos Verdes, never been married, like films, writing, good wine, good food, good books, hiking."
<Okay, thanks for sharing. I can already see how our first date would go. Enough about me, let's talk about me.>

"I would like to meet for a drink."
<I would like to not be murdered.>

"Thoughts?"
<see  http://matchthesetwins.blogspot.com/ for my thoughts>

"Tell me more about you... I love your laugh"
<I love this one. Simply because I would like to know how he has heard my laugh.>

"Was there instant distrust when you saw my photo?"
<Nailed it.>

I mean seriously guys- strike up a CONVERSATION. It's hard to write back when you give me one line to work with. Anything is better than nothing. Well, as long as you don't make me think you want to kill me. How about "How was your weekend" for the win!

Am I here for love or to make you feel better about yourself?

I was talking to my twin the other day about... what else... match.com. This seems to be the theme over the past week. We have both been inundated with winks and emails. There are a lot of people out there looking for love. Supposedly 20,000 people a day join match. Whoa. That's a big pond with a bunch of fishies in it.
I was telling her that some of these guys I have received emails from I feel really bad for. I am aware of how terrible that sounds by the way. Allow me to explain- aka dig myself deeper into the hole...

Some of these guys are class A dorks. There is no two ways about this. Everything about them screams I AM AWKWARD. And I want to help them. Do I want to date them? Um no. But I feel like if they had just a little more self confidence and perhaps a good haircut, that they could really have a shot on here. So I email them back, I respond when they IM me.

My sister and I go on each others profiles to see whats happening and she totally called me out on it when she saw my little pattern.I told her my theory about wanting to help grow their confidence, blah blah blah. She said: WE ARE HERE FOR LOVE, (yes she yelled that) not to try to make guys feel better about themselves. There isn't enough time for that. !!!

I got this email today from my #1 dork project (note after he tried to IM me 4 times this morning):

I wanted to say hi, I am not having a good day at all after I had a chance to talk to my mom this morning to find out that my 8 year old golden retriever got sick yesterday and he had to be taken to emergency, and had to be put to sleep yesterday, I just wish I would have had a chance to see him, it just sucks, I was really close with the dog, and when I heard the news I really couldn't say anything. I was wondering if you maybe wanted to grab dinner and drinks either tonight, tomorrow or thursday, I was thinking it would be really nice to have someone to enjoy dinner and drinks with and thought I how I would really like to take you out. I have no idea what your schedule is like, but if you are going to have either tonight, tomorrow or thursday free, it would be great to have a chance to meet you and have a chance to enjoy a nice dinner with you. Let me know

I blocked him shortly there after. I am here for love.

Twin to Twin

My sister just texted me this and I spit out my water all over my computer from laughing so hard. May need a new keyboard but totally worth it.

"Check out my new match message. He has a unibrow and likes cats. Enough said."

The people have spoken

"There really is much more to me than a picture and what can be said in this text, but I guess I would like to put it out there that people judge me based on a number of things and assume I'm cocky, or a player, etc....please wait till you get to know me before you pass judgment, most people are happy they did..."

This is what one guy has as the opening lines to his profile.
I recently met him.
People's judgment of him is 100% accurate... cocky... player... etc.

next... 

Hot Diggity Dog

That title reminds me of that song "No Diggity, No Doubt" by Blackstreet. Remember it? Straight up high school. Good story- I lost my virginity to this song. 

In other news, I read this on a gentleman's profile and emailed him instantly. If you make a hot dog reference you have an instant IN with me.

“Were I a hot dog, the meat would be my sense of integrity, values, passion, and commitment, while the bun would be my epic sense of humor, my omnipresent life quest for fun and frivolity, and my laid back personality.”

VIP. Who knew?

VIP.
Very
Interested
Person.
Who knew that's what VIP stood for on good 'ol match.com. Not this twin. Slowly learning that Match has it's own vocabulary. Wink. VIP. Daily 5. We will learn together what these all mean in due time, but let's focus on VIP today shall we?

I received this message yesterday with the headline of: 
Just so you know, this is beach******'s only VIP Email of the week, and he chose to send it to you.

To me?! Special. Let's see what he has to say...

Aloha

Where to begin? After reading your profile all I can say is, You're Perfect. And by that I mean you are perfect for me. There was not one thing I read that I did not say, "great", or "just like me", or "I have to meet this woman", lol. <Balls. He said lol. Do we keep reading?! Why not, I mean this is my FIRST VIP email!>
As you can see I am over your 39 year age range but at least I am not 50 and have no pictures of me in front of the mirror, lol. <Strike #2> I am a young 44. What does that mean? Well considering some of the other 44 year old men I have been around, I think I look pretty good for my age (no beer belly and 98% of my hair). I am also very active and like to participate in sports and staying in shape. I am tall like you. So feel free to put on some 3 inch heels and our lips will be at the perfect height for kissing. <bold statement> I am also secure enough in my manhood that if you want to wear the 4 or 5 inch heals, I would say "you go girl", but not in a cheesy accent. <oh wow> You did say you don't like your job and you would love to just lie on the beach and wear flip flops or no shoes at all. Sounds like someone is looking to relocate to a tropical paradise where she could find a new career she enjoyed while digging her toes into the warm sand. Now I know you live in Hermos Beach and you have the ocean and the sand there so you are probably not chomping at the bit to move to Hawaii. However, we have water you can swim in 12 months of the year and we never wear wetsuits.....can you say that about Hermosa Beach? <all excellent points> I love dogs and my ex-wife got the dog in the divorce so how about you and I get a puppy or two. <bold statement #2> What breeds do you like? Big or small? Read my profile and you will see I love to travel just like you. So let's rob a bank and just travel the world. Okay perhaps living on the run might not be the best thing but with you, it is tempting. <Is that a compliment?> Your humor about your cooking made me laugh. I actually do like to cook although being single makes it hard. Cooking for one is no fun and a waste of food. So will you be my guinea pig and I can cook for you? I cook, you blog! <um ya, that kind of defeats the point> Well if you have not fallen asleep reading this long email or hit delete before now, I thank you. I thank you for at least considering contacting a sexy, gentleman who lives 3,000 miles from you. <You are welcome, although I must admit I am not even remotely considering that> All I am asking is a conversation or two to see if there is any chemistry on the phone or even through emails. Perhaps a small spark that makes one of us jump on a plane to see if there is any physical chemistry once our eyes meet and I get to give you a big bear hug (sorry it is Hawaiian tradition, lol). <strike #3> <Side note, I had a family member who lived in Hawaii for 7 years- last time I checked a bear hug is not a Hawaiian tradition> What do you have to lose? At the very least, you end up with a friend in Hawaii who can show you around on your next vacation. I was saving my VIP for someone perfect for me....as you can see....I found her.
Hope to hear from you.

Real Original

This has been written on 5 guy's profiles, 2 different states::

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. For charity, I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees and have been known to tread water for three days in a row.

I am an expert in stucco and an outlaw in Peru. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear and my deft floral arrangements have earned me
fame in international botany circles.

I have been known to woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed and can cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

In my spare time, I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and recently have been the subject of numerous documentaries. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket and last week while on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and even spoken with Elvis.

 

Creepy Selfportrait = RED FLAG

I open my profile with the following statement: 

"If you are over 50 or have a self-portrait of you standing in front of the bathroom mirror, you can go ahead and look elsewhere as I am not the gal for you. But best of luck to ya and have a great day!"

I am not trying to be rude, but just trying to save the fine gentlemen on Match.com their precious time. There are a shit load of women to weed through on there and why should they waste their time courting this twin when the other twin has no problem with creepy self-portraits. Kidding, she does too. In a big way. And speaking of in a big way- this guy obviously did not bother to read my profile before sending me the charming email of 11 words: 

"Your hot, I would like to get to know you. Thoughts?"

Well before replying, I took a look at his profile and looky looky what I found...

 !!! Creepy Bathroom Shot !!!

And not just a regular bathroom shot, this one looks like a public restroom. I mean that ups the creep factor by a solid 10.

!!! Creepy Bathroom Shot !!!

Oh Good, this one is just a regular creepy bathroom shot. Phew, for a moment I was worried.

 

 

!!! Creepy Gym Shot !!!

Here is my question, how do you not feel like a total douche taking a photo of yourself at the gym? But wait, he save the best for last...

 

!!! Creepy Bathroom/Basketball Shot !!!

He can NOT be serious here. There is so much wrong with this picture I do not even know where to begin. First of all, is that an actual mirror? Like you have a basketball mirror in your house? I would have thought that was so awesome when I was in Junior High School and obsessed with B-Ball. OR, is that an app on your iPhone that you edited the photo with. Does that mean you really like basketball? Because I noticed on your profile you did not list that as a hobby. Are you false advertising here?

What are my thoughts? Well sir, call me judgmental, but I think I will pass. Surely we have all taken a photo of ourselves in-front of a bathroom mirror from time to time. I am even willing to guess an ex boyfriend or four may have a pic of me doing just that. Alas, I do not post them for the world to view. You see, I think the point of match.com is to put your best foot forward as people will be judging you in 2.2 seconds- that is the nature of the site after all. And if bathroom photos is your best foot, I'm scared to see what the other foot looks like. And this is coming from a girl who has two different size feet.

Dear Jim, you're an ass, and a creep....which makes you a creepy asshole

Received this message from Jim last night. Thank you Jim for calling me a poor, desperate, lonely woman. But hey, at least I have the cute factor going for me, which you so kindly highlighted in caps. Were you yelling that Jim? Because I feel when people use caps they are yelling at me. Also, I would like to point out that nowhere in my profile to I address my alma mater nor associated mascot. Jim, I have no fucking clue what you are talking about and I could care less about my, yours, or Joe Biden's college mascot.

Your Alma mater mascot is NOT awesome, but...

I'll refrain from getting into my reasons for not agreeing with you, because A) I wouldn't know where to begin and B) I'm familiar with how ornery and defensive people can get with their beloved colleges.

So I was looking through all the ads here, thinking to myself, look at all the poor, desperate, lonely women. And then I saw your profile and thought to myself, hey, here's a poor, desperate, lonely woman that's actually CUTE. So I thought I'd write and see if you're as interesting on the inside as you are in your pictures.

Now, I think I might know what you're thinking at this point: I want, I need to know more about this guy, does he know the secret and meaning to life? Does he drive real fast and is he good in bed. Will he make me breakfast in bed? ALL THE TIME? But hold on, let’s slow down a minute: I'm not going to bare my soul to you--a stranger, potential stalker, and who knows what else--in an initial email. What, are you crazy? Would you do that?

This isn't a rhetorical question. I've just given you something interesting and provocative to talk about, without being too heavy or small talk-ish, and you can even throw in a story about a friend who did just this thing--at a bar, grocery store, whatever; doesn't have to be an email. It could even be, actually, about you, and I'd never know the difference. A sort of therapeutic, even cathartic release for you. You know, this way you could catch two birds with one stone.

You’re welcome

Jim

side note:  Jim has obviously been blocked from further contact with this twin!

My First IM. And a lesson on "lol"

Here is an IM I just had with a creep. Really made my day. He used "lol" and for that fact alone I ended the conversation.

 1:22 - HE says:
Hello
 1:22 - ME says:
hi there
 1:22 - HE says:
cute pics!
 1:23 - HE says:
look in great shape! I like that
 1:23 - ME says:
ha, gracias.
 1:23 - ME says:
i try
 1:24 - HE says:
where you from orig?
 1:24 - ME says:
colorado
 1:24 - HE says:
how long u been here?
 1:27 - HE says:
do you text this thing sucks hardcore
 1:29 - ME says:
ive been here for almost 10 years
 1:30 - HE says:
<he actually wrote his phone number here, you are welcome for removing it Mitch*****>
 1:30 - ME says:
ha
 1:30 - ME says:
bold move
 1:31 - HE says:
someone steps up
 1:31 - ME says:
im too new and creeped out by this whole thing to go giving my number to a complete stranger just yet
 1:31 - HE says:
tentativeness, big turn off
 1:32 - ME says:
ah well
 1:32 - ME says:
good news is im not trying to turn you on
1:33 - HE says:
  not a physical person huh?  thats no good
   1:34 - ME says:
  thats not what i said at all
   1:34 - HE says:
  you seem really shy
  1:35 - ME says:
 youve gathered that in the 2 seconds i have chatted with you
 1:35 - ME says:
rad
  1:35 - HE says:
 lol relax
 1:36 - ME says:
fear not, im relaxed
 1:36 - HE says:
im very spontaneous

What the hell. "I’m very spontaneous" does that line work for you? Cause that didn't sound very spontaneous to me. This is gonna be fun.

And now for a lesson on "lol"... DO NOT USE IT. If you are over the age of 13, you no longer get to use this term. That's why god invented "hahaha". See. I just laughed out loud. Now, if you think that "lol" and "hahaha" are the same thing and perhaps "lol" is just an easier, shorter way of communicating your giggles, well I could agree with you but then we would both be wrong. Stop using "lol" and we can be friends again.

Meet Me. Meet us.

Hi.
Yes, we are blogging anonymously so just accept it and move on.
We want to be able to speak freely without fear of workplace retribution, grandparent's judgment, and future/current creeps stalking.
We are twins. We are identical. We are both single. (No, we will not make out with you. But thanks for asking.) And we are on this journey together. We are 30 years old and have had our fair share of love tangles... but let's save those for another time.
Match.com -- oh sweet sweet match.com -- talk about tangles. We both opened up our accounts with in the past week. And the material coming out of this experience is simply too good not to share with the world. So here, on this blog, we will share with you the trials and tribulations of navigating our way through match.com... and love in general. We are by no means perfect- hello we are thirty and single! But we are open to the process, as long as it keeps us laughing. And let me tell you- thus far it has not disappointed. So, come along friends- this is about to get good.